Saturday, February 6, 2010

Lacking in Skills

So we've survived the school holiday, religious holiday, public holiday nightmare (??) that is December and January. Another day, another year. It's all flying by so fast.
I am about to enter a new degree at university, in a totally different area from where I've studied previously, and to be honest I'm starting to get a little nervous. I'm nervous that I'm just not organised enough as a person.
I have 4 children. Four delightful, sensational, incredible people who fill my days with comotion and calamity, cuddles and chaos.
Honestly, our house is never still. Even now, when all four little ones are asleep, there is so much more to be done, and yet I sit here blogging a while, just to wind down instead of continuing to tackle the monumental stack of 'to dos' that really nag for my attention. But that's ok, I'm going to have my cup of tea and indulge my nervousness for a moment while I can sit and think about what it is that really needs addressing within me.
We have a full plate here, really. As do many others, most others in fact. The more time you have, the better you are at filling it to the point where you NEED more time. Right?
Our biggest lad, Will is in Year 1 this year, he loves school. Absolutely hated being home over the holidays, because he was sure he was missing out at school and we were just keeping him home as a weird punishment. His first day back, he was so relieved to discover that everyone else in his class had been forced to have time off as well and he hadn't, in fact, missed a bloody thing.
Our next biggest boy, Lochie, started at Kindy this year, and he too is really diggin' it. He doesn't go to a mainstream school, he does require special education for his severe speech delay, but after seeing the Cleft Palate and Maxillofacial Unit again yesterday I'm happy to report that this is the only intervention he'll be recieving this year. And what an intervention it is. 2 days a week of intensive speech therapy disguised as Kindy, it's bloody brilliant, but I can see that it's going to be exhausting for him. He works so hard, and has come so far already in the last 18 months. But we are so thrilled that he's been cleared of any structural issues that we need to combat, and that we are safe to continue with addressing his functional issues.
Tristan, the little boy who doesn't grow, is devestated that he's now without brothers a couple of days a week and left with only a boring old baby to play with. She's not really interacting with him in the way he'd like most of the time, which is leading to a lot of 'donked baby on head' and 'thunk....waaaaaaaaaaaah'. Ahhh remiscient of when it was just two little boys at home.
Crawlergrrl, wowee, she's so keen to catch her brothers. She began crawling sometime before Christmas, and hasn't been the same since. She is much, much happier for a start, obviously her reflux is settled now that she can keep herself upright as well as in arms. She still loves hanging out in the sling with me, but is quite content to chase the boys out the back door and be entertained by them for quite some time.
But all of this keeps me no busier than any other parent of four I don't think. Sure, I work outside of the home one day a week. In all honesty, it's not really something I consider 'work'. It's a break. An honest to goodness break from the high energy, frenetic madness that I seem to encounter within the four walls at home. At work I can drink a cup of HOT coffee, I can eat with two hands, not having to share a thing or inhale it before disaster strikes. I love being at work just long enough to breathe deep and count to 10. Being at work doesn't make me disorganised, it encourages me to be organised... making sure I've got enough expressed milk, that I take my breastpump with me, that I take the right car, access cards, wallet, brain etc... All of this encourages organisation in my completely disorganised self.
I have tried hard to make a positive start to the year simply by encouraging myself to use a diary. You know, one made of real paper, that you write in with a real pen - not a virtual/online/computer version. It's red. It's got lovely coloured paper. And just over a month into the year, I've managed to maintain it as a point of reference for my seemingly hectic weeks.
In my defence, we have had a lot of appointments come up again (Tristan's hernia, Lochlain's palate/speech issues, Rhiannon's ears, my thyroid, Will's allergies, Andrew's eyes, etc etc etc), but still, I do have days in a week where I have no commitments and I just seem to struggle with knuckling down and getting much of anything done. I'd rather read a book. Or sit in the sun at the park with good pals and chinwag over cake. I know it's probably normal to want and prefer to do those things over chores, or sorting, or arranging. But that doesn't change the fact that there are things that NEED doing and I avoid and procrastinate to the point of ridiculousness. Why? Do you leave everything to the last minute in the same way I do?
I just wonder what it is that makes me put things off. And how can I encourage, or even force, myself to just get on with it from now on?
I began walking of an evening after dinner last year, and I loved it, and hour of just one foot in front of the other for an hour or more, and I felt wonderful for it. The endorphin rush after a great rise in heartrate and a decent sweat were phenomonal. But during the chaos of Christmas, I've let it slip and try as I might I just cannot motivate myself right now to keep it up. Actually, here's a thought... it's now 10:38p.m. If I go to bed now, and set my alarm for a reasonable hour of the morning, perhaps I can encourage a morning jog instead. Right. Am going to post this and turn off the computer. Procrastinate no more tonight. I'm just going to do it. I'll repost back tomorrow. Let's see if I can make a difference just by venting my concerns in this format.

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